Adrift. Alone in a sea of humanity. About 40 months ago my world began rocking and as the following 18 months happened things that I believed all my life were questioned. Friends turned their back on me. I was the subject of contempt. I was criticized for telling the truth. Unfairly judged. Called a gossip. The friendships my children had with other children suffered. All of this happened at the hand of people who called themselves friends. Who called themselves Christian. ...I still hesitate to call myself a Christian. I don't want people to associate me with them. All of this led to us finally leaving our church that we had called home for almost 12 years earlier this year. It has also led me on a wonderful path of love and acceptance. Because, face it, EVERYONE wants to be accepted and loved. Period. We all long to be a part of something, even the introverts. My circle of friends and acquaintances is so much broader now. Life though different, is better now.
It may seem that for the last year I had nothing to say because there
wasn't anything posted here and so little before that, ah contrare! It was because of all the stink (above) that I have been absent and silent and keeping to the old adage, 'If you don't have something nice to say, say nothing at all.' I had so much to say, but no
time in which to sit down and write or was just too hurt to say what's done is done and move on. But I can say that now. I can't change the past. I can't make people like me. I can't control how people will react. I can give love, friendship, honor, respect and see the best in people and choose how I will respond to them. I can respect that we disagree and still value and keep the friendship. There have been many sleepless nights over the last few years. Could've. Should've. Why me? Make it go away. Analyzing my motives. My reactions. And I am done. Not being rejected week after week every Sunday has helped to contribute to the healing. I have new friends, better friends, nicer friends, real friends. Seeing that there are Christians that actually do care and want right relationships is such a nice reprieve. And those who were so unkind to me? It's not my problem... it's theirs... and I will still love them anyway, as I have all along.
Though I have new friends, part of me wants my old friends back. My old life back. But apparently they weren't really my friends. So why would I want that back? Because it's known. Known is easy. Unknown is hard. However, my life now is AWEsome. So awesome. I mean really awesome! So much more so than three years ago, two years ago. Open doors. New opportunities. Lovin' livin' it.
But today because of all 'the stink' and I am feeling anxious. All the past rejection is resurfacing. I am once again feeling like I am on shaky ground because I found out last night that some dear friends didn't share their good news with us. I understand why. But part of me really wants to pull away first so that I can reject them since maybe they might reject me. Totally insane. I know. But after all the hurt of the last few years it's hard. Very. Hard. These dear friends came into our lives after all the stink, and it's a couple!!! (18 years of waiting for another couple friend!), we 'click' with them, they like our kids and understand/respect that not all are typical, our kids like each other, they don't mind that we are GF, we get together 2-4 times a month, the guys will hang, the girls will veg... I mean these are FRIENDS! And they didn't tell us something... and we are supposed to get together this afternoon.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have these human feelings. But I do. And they are okay. The visit this afternoon will be good and we will be able to finally rejoice with them. I will remember we are all human. We all want to be loved and accepted. I will love them. Accept them. Congratulate them. And be happy. And if someday they do reject me... well... I can still choose to love. It's up to me. It's up to you.