I don't know how to begin.
Words seem so inadequate. Too temporary. Too trite. But they are all I have.
There have been so many tragedies in the lives of people we know in the last few months. So, so, so many. Heart wrenching losses abound.
A sweet friend lost her husband and son.
Another visibly pregnant friend lost the child she carried.
Other friends have shared their excitement of pregnancy to only then have a miscarriage.
Friends learning to live with life altering medical diagnosis.
Friends dealing with the death of extended family members.
My friends lives are forever changed. I am forever changed. Life is so temporary. Finite. Precious.
The world seems to magnify the upheaval that I see around me. War. Hate. Violence abound. Needless pain and suffering is inflicted onto innocent parties so that an agenda can be promoted. Lifes destroyed.
It is because of all the loss around me that I find it extremely difficult to rejoice in good news. To not dread the other shoe falling, I know that the shoe is going to fall. It always does. Easy is not something that Mr. Incredible and I do. No easy button exists in our household.
In light of all the tragedy, it is hard to share any 'good' news. It is hard not to expect the worst, (is the shoe falling yet?) but...
WE ARE PREGNANT!!! (20 weeks today)
A few people know, but now the whole world can. The comments have already begun. 'Trying for your own TV show?' 'Do you know what causes that?' 'Hmm.' And I respond with no, yes and have a good day!
Several that we have shared with have been truly excited for us. Like scream in your ear from glee excited. Mr. Incredible and I do not exactly share in their excitement. Remember the shoe?. I won't repeat the first words out of his mouth when I told him we were expecting. However, it did have to do with feces. Maybe it's because we have been changing diapers for 15 years or maybe because our plate feels so awfully full already. At least he didn't question the paternity this time. (yes he has before, without cause, but yeah... still happened. Love you babe, but ya did and now the truth is out. However, if you do the same thing for seven years and then boom your wife is pregnant, you might question too! :)) Maybe our almost non-existant excitement is because from the OB I have heard,
'What is he thinking? Does HE NOT KNOW YOU COULD DIE?'
We weren't trying to get pregnant. We really weren't. Really. I was again thinking hysterectomy (knew this could happen during the 2nd c-section) since S was finally walking and the 10 lb. lift limit wouldn't be as much of a challenge with her mobile on her own. Apparently, I just like my husband and he likes me. As a dear OB friend said, "It's biology." Or as the perinatologist said, "My wife and I have the same problem. It's like the pa$$ion just burns the c0nd0m right off!" (edited the words so hopefully I don't draw obscene viewers)
So here we are again with a high risk pregnancy-
1. classic c-section with #4- increased risk of uterine rupture
2. pre-term labor with every pregnancy so far, abruption with #4
3. MTHFR find out what it is here, reason for preterm labor and abruption
4. anticardiolipin, another reason for preterm labor and abruption
5. AMA, amazingly magnamiously awesomeness (or otherwise known as advanced maternal age)
6. have had two c-sections at this point
Probably more than you wanted to know, but I am tired of explaining why a otherwise healthy (though overweight, you know you were thinking it ;)) looking woman has a high risk pregnancy when blood pressure isn't the issue. So now you know. If you know of someone that keeps experiencing miscarriages or pre-term labor, MTHFR or anticardiolipin might be involved. With daily pharmaceutical therapy I carried S to 34 weeks 2 days. My goal is to do at least that again.
In addition to our mind still reeling from being pregnant again, I am getting major pressure from the OB that one or both of us needs to get 'fixed'. I really didn't think Mr. Incredible or I were broken! (just kidding, we know what she's talking about) I am really struggling with this decision. Mr. Incredible is so swamped with work that he has little time to think about anything else, let alone making a decision about fertility. It's one thing to not pursue getting pregnant and another to say, "God, we are done. Don't care that children are a blessing. We are done being blessed." (I know I was thinking about a hysterectomy. But that was not for birth control issues) The perinatologist doesn't come across like the OB that we are broken in need of fixing and they are the risk specialist.... Birth control is a touchy subject for many and I am not trying to throw stones at any decisions anyone has made. These are just the thoughts that run through my mind and the decisions we face in the upcoming weeks. Is the risk of my life worth another pregnancy if one of us doesn't get fixed? (no pregnancy for 7+ years after #4 so S(#7) really was a God thing) Does blessing outweigh risk? Oh the questions. Still seeking the answers.
And in case you are still reading. We are having another girl! Four boys. Four girls. Life may be unpredictable, filled with questions, filled with loss and everyone desperately in need of a Saviour, but for now we will rejoice at the new life being created and celebrate every day that I carry her.