Friday, May 3, 2013

The 'What If' Minefield

My devotional today was a reminder that I cannot serve two masters.  I usually think of God and Money when I think of serving two masters because of Matthew 6:24.  But it is just as easy to substitute Schedules, Activities, Me Time or for me, 'What If's', for Money instead.

This week has not been the week that I planned, though I'm not sure that I remember a week that ever was.  However, as I lay in a hospital bed trying to stay pregnant for a few more days it is hard to deal with life passing me by.  And it is doing that.  I am not the one tucking my children into their beds, wiping their noses or encouraging their creativity.  I was not at Lollipop's infusion yesterday, though she visited me since we were in the same hospital.  I am the last one to find out that Lollipop hurt her arm last night and they are going to try to get into the orthopedic doc for x-rays this morning.

There is NOTHING that I can do to help my husband or parents.  This does not bode well with me.  I don't want to be a further drain on Mr. Incredible.  I don't want my parents going to early graves because they were taking care of six children when they shouldn't have been.  My mind reels with 'What If's'.  If the doctor hadn't checked me on Monday, would I have ended up in the hospital with contractions on Tuesday?  If I had been home could I have prevented Lollipop from hurting her arm?  What if Little Mama is really sick?

And that's just this morning!

What If's can consume my thoughts and it's not just because I now have time to think.  I have to think of eventualities, think through circumstances in order to help our family navigate (especially M&M and Lollipop) through them, BUT by doing this am I placing my trust in me?

I am the only one who can bake this precious baby longer.  Am I willing to let others come along side and help?  Am I willing to not be superwoman?  Can I lay down the 'What If's' and trust God?

Wednesday morning I was awakened with contractions.  They had stopped, but suddenly they were back and I could only think of  the 'What If's'.  I knew I needed to relax, but it is difficult to relax when you know you are facing a c-section, baby spending days in the hospital and all because your stupid body wouldn't cooperate.  I woke Mr. Incredible and asked him to start reading from the Bible.   Instead of focusing on all that was going wrong, I sought refuge in the promises of His Word.  I found solace, peace and patience in the words of the Psalms.

I may not know why I ended up on bed rest at 33 weeks, but at least it wasn't earlier.  I may not be the one tucking in, wiping or carting to get an x-ray, but God has graciously provided someone that can and I need to trust in Him and rest in His promises. So I will sit, lay, wait and bake baby and praise Him for the opportunity to do so.

The 'What If's' are always going to be there, but how I chose to handle them and let them affect me shows whether I am serving them or the King.

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