I used to not understand why everyday my grandmother would say...
'This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.'
For the last several months I have found myself saying the same verse, everyday, multiple times a day even.
I can't necessarily control what is brought into my day, but God made the day and He filters through His hands what reaches me. I can chose to be thankful for the opportunity to live another day (not everyone has this), I can chose to embrace ALL that the day holds (good and bad) and rejoice that I have opportunity to become better or bitter. The choice is up to me. It's up to you.
Will I (we) let the wonderful, the mundane, the painful, the embarrassing, the glorious, the nerve wracking, the hard, the life we live make us more Christ like? or less?
Today I chose more.
Today my MIL arrives, this is not an easy choice.
But it's a choice we all make.
Everyday.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Out of the Ashes
I don't know how to begin.
Words seem so inadequate. Too temporary. Too trite. But they are all I have.
There have been so many tragedies in the lives of people we know in the last few months. So, so, so many. Heart wrenching losses abound.
A sweet friend lost her husband and son.
Another visibly pregnant friend lost the child she carried.
Other friends have shared their excitement of pregnancy to only then have a miscarriage.
Friends learning to live with life altering medical diagnosis.
Friends dealing with the death of extended family members.
Marriages ended.
My friends lives are forever changed. I am forever changed. Life is so temporary. Finite. Precious.
The world seems to magnify the upheaval that I see around me. War. Hate. Violence abound. Needless pain and suffering is inflicted onto innocent parties so that an agenda can be promoted. Lifes destroyed.
It is because of all the loss around me that I find it extremely difficult to rejoice in good news. To not dread the other shoe falling, I know that the shoe is going to fall. It always does. Easy is not something that Mr. Incredible and I do. No easy button exists in our household.
In light of all the tragedy, it is hard to share any 'good' news. It is hard not to expect the worst, (is the shoe falling yet?) but...
WE ARE PREGNANT!!! (20 weeks today)
A few people know, but now the whole world can. The comments have already begun. 'Trying for your own TV show?' 'Do you know what causes that?' 'Hmm.' And I respond with no, yes and have a good day!
Several that we have shared with have been truly excited for us. Like scream in your ear from glee excited. Mr. Incredible and I do not exactly share in their excitement. Remember the shoe?. I won't repeat the first words out of his mouth when I told him we were expecting. However, it did have to do with feces. Maybe it's because we have been changing diapers for 15 years or maybe because our plate feels so awfully full already. At least he didn't question the paternity this time. (yes he has before, without cause, but yeah... still happened. Love you babe, but ya did and now the truth is out. However, if you do the same thing for seven years and then boom your wife is pregnant, you might question too! :)) Maybe our almost non-existant excitement is because from the OB I have heard,
'What is he thinking? Does HE NOT KNOW YOU COULD DIE?'
We weren't trying to get pregnant. We really weren't. Really. I was again thinking hysterectomy (knew this could happen during the 2nd c-section) since S was finally walking and the 10 lb. lift limit wouldn't be as much of a challenge with her mobile on her own. Apparently, I just like my husband and he likes me. As a dear OB friend said, "It's biology." Or as the perinatologist said, "My wife and I have the same problem. It's like the pa$$ion just burns the c0nd0m right off!" (edited the words so hopefully I don't draw obscene viewers)
So here we are again with a high risk pregnancy-
1. classic c-section with #4- increased risk of uterine rupture
2. pre-term labor with every pregnancy so far, abruption with #4
3. MTHFR find out what it is here, reason for preterm labor and abruption
4. anticardiolipin, another reason for preterm labor and abruption
5. AMA, amazingly magnamiously awesomeness (or otherwise known as advanced maternal age)
6. have had two c-sections at this point
Probably more than you wanted to know, but I am tired of explaining why a otherwise healthy (though overweight, you know you were thinking it ;)) looking woman has a high risk pregnancy when blood pressure isn't the issue. So now you know. If you know of someone that keeps experiencing miscarriages or pre-term labor, MTHFR or anticardiolipin might be involved. With daily pharmaceutical therapy I carried S to 34 weeks 2 days. My goal is to do at least that again.
In addition to our mind still reeling from being pregnant again, I am getting major pressure from the OB that one or both of us needs to get 'fixed'. I really didn't think Mr. Incredible or I were broken! (just kidding, we know what she's talking about) I am really struggling with this decision. Mr. Incredible is so swamped with work that he has little time to think about anything else, let alone making a decision about fertility. It's one thing to not pursue getting pregnant and another to say, "God, we are done. Don't care that children are a blessing. We are done being blessed." (I know I was thinking about a hysterectomy. But that was not for birth control issues) The perinatologist doesn't come across like the OB that we are broken in need of fixing and they are the risk specialist.... Birth control is a touchy subject for many and I am not trying to throw stones at any decisions anyone has made. These are just the thoughts that run through my mind and the decisions we face in the upcoming weeks. Is the risk of my life worth another pregnancy if one of us doesn't get fixed? (no pregnancy for 7+ years after #4 so S(#7) really was a God thing) Does blessing outweigh risk? Oh the questions. Still seeking the answers.
And in case you are still reading. We are having another girl! Four boys. Four girls. Life may be unpredictable, filled with questions, filled with loss and everyone desperately in need of a Saviour, but for now we will rejoice at the new life being created and celebrate every day that I carry her.
Words seem so inadequate. Too temporary. Too trite. But they are all I have.
There have been so many tragedies in the lives of people we know in the last few months. So, so, so many. Heart wrenching losses abound.
A sweet friend lost her husband and son.
Another visibly pregnant friend lost the child she carried.
Other friends have shared their excitement of pregnancy to only then have a miscarriage.
Friends learning to live with life altering medical diagnosis.
Friends dealing with the death of extended family members.
Marriages ended.
My friends lives are forever changed. I am forever changed. Life is so temporary. Finite. Precious.
The world seems to magnify the upheaval that I see around me. War. Hate. Violence abound. Needless pain and suffering is inflicted onto innocent parties so that an agenda can be promoted. Lifes destroyed.
It is because of all the loss around me that I find it extremely difficult to rejoice in good news. To not dread the other shoe falling, I know that the shoe is going to fall. It always does. Easy is not something that Mr. Incredible and I do. No easy button exists in our household.
In light of all the tragedy, it is hard to share any 'good' news. It is hard not to expect the worst, (is the shoe falling yet?) but...
WE ARE PREGNANT!!! (20 weeks today)
A few people know, but now the whole world can. The comments have already begun. 'Trying for your own TV show?' 'Do you know what causes that?' 'Hmm.' And I respond with no, yes and have a good day!
Several that we have shared with have been truly excited for us. Like scream in your ear from glee excited. Mr. Incredible and I do not exactly share in their excitement. Remember the shoe?. I won't repeat the first words out of his mouth when I told him we were expecting. However, it did have to do with feces. Maybe it's because we have been changing diapers for 15 years or maybe because our plate feels so awfully full already. At least he didn't question the paternity this time. (yes he has before, without cause, but yeah... still happened. Love you babe, but ya did and now the truth is out. However, if you do the same thing for seven years and then boom your wife is pregnant, you might question too! :)) Maybe our almost non-existant excitement is because from the OB I have heard,
'What is he thinking? Does HE NOT KNOW YOU COULD DIE?'
We weren't trying to get pregnant. We really weren't. Really. I was again thinking hysterectomy (knew this could happen during the 2nd c-section) since S was finally walking and the 10 lb. lift limit wouldn't be as much of a challenge with her mobile on her own. Apparently, I just like my husband and he likes me. As a dear OB friend said, "It's biology." Or as the perinatologist said, "My wife and I have the same problem. It's like the pa$$ion just burns the c0nd0m right off!" (edited the words so hopefully I don't draw obscene viewers)
So here we are again with a high risk pregnancy-
1. classic c-section with #4- increased risk of uterine rupture
2. pre-term labor with every pregnancy so far, abruption with #4
3. MTHFR find out what it is here, reason for preterm labor and abruption
4. anticardiolipin, another reason for preterm labor and abruption
5. AMA, amazingly magnamiously awesomeness (or otherwise known as advanced maternal age)
6. have had two c-sections at this point
Probably more than you wanted to know, but I am tired of explaining why a otherwise healthy (though overweight, you know you were thinking it ;)) looking woman has a high risk pregnancy when blood pressure isn't the issue. So now you know. If you know of someone that keeps experiencing miscarriages or pre-term labor, MTHFR or anticardiolipin might be involved. With daily pharmaceutical therapy I carried S to 34 weeks 2 days. My goal is to do at least that again.
In addition to our mind still reeling from being pregnant again, I am getting major pressure from the OB that one or both of us needs to get 'fixed'. I really didn't think Mr. Incredible or I were broken! (just kidding, we know what she's talking about) I am really struggling with this decision. Mr. Incredible is so swamped with work that he has little time to think about anything else, let alone making a decision about fertility. It's one thing to not pursue getting pregnant and another to say, "God, we are done. Don't care that children are a blessing. We are done being blessed." (I know I was thinking about a hysterectomy. But that was not for birth control issues) The perinatologist doesn't come across like the OB that we are broken in need of fixing and they are the risk specialist.... Birth control is a touchy subject for many and I am not trying to throw stones at any decisions anyone has made. These are just the thoughts that run through my mind and the decisions we face in the upcoming weeks. Is the risk of my life worth another pregnancy if one of us doesn't get fixed? (no pregnancy for 7+ years after #4 so S(#7) really was a God thing) Does blessing outweigh risk? Oh the questions. Still seeking the answers.
And in case you are still reading. We are having another girl! Four boys. Four girls. Life may be unpredictable, filled with questions, filled with loss and everyone desperately in need of a Saviour, but for now we will rejoice at the new life being created and celebrate every day that I carry her.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Friends?
Adrift. Alone in a sea of humanity. About 40 months ago my world began rocking and as the following 18 months happened things that I believed all my life were questioned. Friends turned their back on me. I was the subject of contempt. I was criticized for telling the truth. Unfairly judged. Called a gossip. The friendships my children had with other children suffered. All of this happened at the hand of people who called themselves friends. Who called themselves Christian. ...I still hesitate to call myself a Christian. I don't want people to associate me with them. All of this led to us finally leaving our church that we had called home for almost 12 years earlier this year. It has also led me on a wonderful path of love and acceptance. Because, face it, EVERYONE wants to be accepted and loved. Period. We all long to be a part of something, even the introverts. My circle of friends and acquaintances is so much broader now. Life though different, is better now.
It may seem that for the last year I had nothing to say because there wasn't anything posted here and so little before that, ah contrare! It was because of all the stink (above) that I have been absent and silent and keeping to the old adage, 'If you don't have something nice to say, say nothing at all.' I had so much to say, but no time in which to sit down and write or was just too hurt to say what's done is done and move on. But I can say that now. I can't change the past. I can't make people like me. I can't control how people will react. I can give love, friendship, honor, respect and see the best in people and choose how I will respond to them. I can respect that we disagree and still value and keep the friendship. There have been many sleepless nights over the last few years. Could've. Should've. Why me? Make it go away. Analyzing my motives. My reactions. And I am done. Not being rejected week after week every Sunday has helped to contribute to the healing. I have new friends, better friends, nicer friends, real friends. Seeing that there are Christians that actually do care and want right relationships is such a nice reprieve. And those who were so unkind to me? It's not my problem... it's theirs... and I will still love them anyway, as I have all along.
Though I have new friends, part of me wants my old friends back. My old life back. But apparently they weren't really my friends. So why would I want that back? Because it's known. Known is easy. Unknown is hard. However, my life now is AWEsome. So awesome. I mean really awesome! So much more so than three years ago, two years ago. Open doors. New opportunities. Lovin' livin' it.
But today because of all 'the stink' and I am feeling anxious. All the past rejection is resurfacing. I am once again feeling like I am on shaky ground because I found out last night that some dear friends didn't share their good news with us. I understand why. But part of me really wants to pull away first so that I can reject them since maybe they might reject me. Totally insane. I know. But after all the hurt of the last few years it's hard. Very. Hard. These dear friends came into our lives after all the stink, and it's a couple!!! (18 years of waiting for another couple friend!), we 'click' with them, they like our kids and understand/respect that not all are typical, our kids like each other, they don't mind that we are GF, we get together 2-4 times a month, the guys will hang, the girls will veg... I mean these are FRIENDS! And they didn't tell us something... and we are supposed to get together this afternoon.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have these human feelings. But I do. And they are okay. The visit this afternoon will be good and we will be able to finally rejoice with them. I will remember we are all human. We all want to be loved and accepted. I will love them. Accept them. Congratulate them. And be happy. And if someday they do reject me... well... I can still choose to love. It's up to me. It's up to you.
It may seem that for the last year I had nothing to say because there wasn't anything posted here and so little before that, ah contrare! It was because of all the stink (above) that I have been absent and silent and keeping to the old adage, 'If you don't have something nice to say, say nothing at all.' I had so much to say, but no time in which to sit down and write or was just too hurt to say what's done is done and move on. But I can say that now. I can't change the past. I can't make people like me. I can't control how people will react. I can give love, friendship, honor, respect and see the best in people and choose how I will respond to them. I can respect that we disagree and still value and keep the friendship. There have been many sleepless nights over the last few years. Could've. Should've. Why me? Make it go away. Analyzing my motives. My reactions. And I am done. Not being rejected week after week every Sunday has helped to contribute to the healing. I have new friends, better friends, nicer friends, real friends. Seeing that there are Christians that actually do care and want right relationships is such a nice reprieve. And those who were so unkind to me? It's not my problem... it's theirs... and I will still love them anyway, as I have all along.
Though I have new friends, part of me wants my old friends back. My old life back. But apparently they weren't really my friends. So why would I want that back? Because it's known. Known is easy. Unknown is hard. However, my life now is AWEsome. So awesome. I mean really awesome! So much more so than three years ago, two years ago. Open doors. New opportunities. Lovin' livin' it.
But today because of all 'the stink' and I am feeling anxious. All the past rejection is resurfacing. I am once again feeling like I am on shaky ground because I found out last night that some dear friends didn't share their good news with us. I understand why. But part of me really wants to pull away first so that I can reject them since maybe they might reject me. Totally insane. I know. But after all the hurt of the last few years it's hard. Very. Hard. These dear friends came into our lives after all the stink, and it's a couple!!! (18 years of waiting for another couple friend!), we 'click' with them, they like our kids and understand/respect that not all are typical, our kids like each other, they don't mind that we are GF, we get together 2-4 times a month, the guys will hang, the girls will veg... I mean these are FRIENDS! And they didn't tell us something... and we are supposed to get together this afternoon.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have these human feelings. But I do. And they are okay. The visit this afternoon will be good and we will be able to finally rejoice with them. I will remember we are all human. We all want to be loved and accepted. I will love them. Accept them. Congratulate them. And be happy. And if someday they do reject me... well... I can still choose to love. It's up to me. It's up to you.
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