If You Don't Have Something Nice To Say...

it's best to not say anything at all.

That's why I've been quiet.  I can't be silent anymore though.  There are times with adopting a child that are blissful and wonderful, more wonderful than giving birth and then there are times in adoption that are just hard.  I want to be an advocate for more adoptions.  But, if I said it was all easy or that nothing bad ever happened, I would be lying.  Maybe the child dies before they are in your arms.  Maybe the birthmother doesn't relinquish rights.  Maybe there's an unexpected bump in the road that sends you careening off of a cliff and you are just trying to survive.

Today I have been fighting depression and anger at what is happening.  We have been waiting for TA since FEBRUARY 9TH our Article 5 was picked up January 31st.  This is really insane.  We had been expedited to this point and now when we are one step from having her in our arms, we come to a SCREECHING halt and wait.

I've been told I am a patient person.  I am here to say, I am NOT patient.  I am not happy- for me, my daughter, my husband and our family- this wait for TA has turned into ludicrous because NO ONE can say when it will end!  Meanwhile Lilly is isolated from the other children since her nannies fear another fracture.  Meanwhile M is being the biggest pain in the backside because we have been living in uncertainty for two months!  And meanwhile time, precious time, is being lost in helping Lilly to have a good quality of life now and in the future.

We have prayed for the adoption all along the way, daily, at least.  Over the course of this adoption my prayers have increased from daily, to hourly to a constant crying out to God, "How long must I wait?!  How long must she wait?!"  "Lord, we thought we were being obedient, what is happening?"  "FIX THIS!"

Psalm 119
⁸¹ My soul faints with longing for your salvation,
   but I have put my hope in your word ...
⁸⁴ How long must your servant wait?...
  
Isiah 40:31
" ...but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint."

I have felt so weary lately.  Weary from the bad attitudes of a certain child.  Weary from the adoption stalling out.  Weary from emotional drain of uncertainty.  Weary from praying and praying and praying and it seemingly being that God doesn't hear.  I KNOW however that HE DOES.  I KNOW that in HIS TIMING we will get Lillyanna.  I KNOW that GOD is ALL POWERFUL, more powerful than me, than communist governments, than brittle bones AND HE will bring Lillyanna home and HE will bring Lillyanna healing.  I KNOW these things, but in day to day life when the ocean waves are crashing over and you are an ocean away from your child it's hard to live these things and believe that it really will happen.