I used to not understand why everyday my grandmother would say...
'This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.'
For the last several months I have found myself saying the same verse, everyday, multiple times a day even.
I can't necessarily control what is brought into my day, but God made the day and He filters through His hands what reaches me. I can chose to be thankful for the opportunity to live another day (not everyone has this), I can chose to embrace ALL that the day holds (good and bad) and rejoice that I have opportunity to become better or bitter. The choice is up to me. It's up to you.
Will I (we) let the wonderful, the mundane, the painful, the embarrassing, the glorious, the nerve wracking, the hard, the life we live make us more Christ like? or less?
Today I chose more.
Today my MIL arrives, this is not an easy choice.
But it's a choice we all make.
Everyday.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Out of the Ashes
I don't know how to begin.
Words seem so inadequate. Too temporary. Too trite. But they are all I have.
There have been so many tragedies in the lives of people we know in the last few months. So, so, so many. Heart wrenching losses abound.
A sweet friend lost her husband and son.
Another visibly pregnant friend lost the child she carried.
Other friends have shared their excitement of pregnancy to only then have a miscarriage.
Friends learning to live with life altering medical diagnosis.
Friends dealing with the death of extended family members.
Marriages ended.
My friends lives are forever changed. I am forever changed. Life is so temporary. Finite. Precious.
The world seems to magnify the upheaval that I see around me. War. Hate. Violence abound. Needless pain and suffering is inflicted onto innocent parties so that an agenda can be promoted. Lifes destroyed.
It is because of all the loss around me that I find it extremely difficult to rejoice in good news. To not dread the other shoe falling, I know that the shoe is going to fall. It always does. Easy is not something that Mr. Incredible and I do. No easy button exists in our household.
In light of all the tragedy, it is hard to share any 'good' news. It is hard not to expect the worst, (is the shoe falling yet?) but...
WE ARE PREGNANT!!! (20 weeks today)
A few people know, but now the whole world can. The comments have already begun. 'Trying for your own TV show?' 'Do you know what causes that?' 'Hmm.' And I respond with no, yes and have a good day!
Several that we have shared with have been truly excited for us. Like scream in your ear from glee excited. Mr. Incredible and I do not exactly share in their excitement. Remember the shoe?. I won't repeat the first words out of his mouth when I told him we were expecting. However, it did have to do with feces. Maybe it's because we have been changing diapers for 15 years or maybe because our plate feels so awfully full already. At least he didn't question the paternity this time. (yes he has before, without cause, but yeah... still happened. Love you babe, but ya did and now the truth is out. However, if you do the same thing for seven years and then boom your wife is pregnant, you might question too! :)) Maybe our almost non-existant excitement is because from the OB I have heard,
'What is he thinking? Does HE NOT KNOW YOU COULD DIE?'
We weren't trying to get pregnant. We really weren't. Really. I was again thinking hysterectomy (knew this could happen during the 2nd c-section) since S was finally walking and the 10 lb. lift limit wouldn't be as much of a challenge with her mobile on her own. Apparently, I just like my husband and he likes me. As a dear OB friend said, "It's biology." Or as the perinatologist said, "My wife and I have the same problem. It's like the pa$$ion just burns the c0nd0m right off!" (edited the words so hopefully I don't draw obscene viewers)
So here we are again with a high risk pregnancy-
1. classic c-section with #4- increased risk of uterine rupture
2. pre-term labor with every pregnancy so far, abruption with #4
3. MTHFR find out what it is here, reason for preterm labor and abruption
4. anticardiolipin, another reason for preterm labor and abruption
5. AMA, amazingly magnamiously awesomeness (or otherwise known as advanced maternal age)
6. have had two c-sections at this point
Probably more than you wanted to know, but I am tired of explaining why a otherwise healthy (though overweight, you know you were thinking it ;)) looking woman has a high risk pregnancy when blood pressure isn't the issue. So now you know. If you know of someone that keeps experiencing miscarriages or pre-term labor, MTHFR or anticardiolipin might be involved. With daily pharmaceutical therapy I carried S to 34 weeks 2 days. My goal is to do at least that again.
In addition to our mind still reeling from being pregnant again, I am getting major pressure from the OB that one or both of us needs to get 'fixed'. I really didn't think Mr. Incredible or I were broken! (just kidding, we know what she's talking about) I am really struggling with this decision. Mr. Incredible is so swamped with work that he has little time to think about anything else, let alone making a decision about fertility. It's one thing to not pursue getting pregnant and another to say, "God, we are done. Don't care that children are a blessing. We are done being blessed." (I know I was thinking about a hysterectomy. But that was not for birth control issues) The perinatologist doesn't come across like the OB that we are broken in need of fixing and they are the risk specialist.... Birth control is a touchy subject for many and I am not trying to throw stones at any decisions anyone has made. These are just the thoughts that run through my mind and the decisions we face in the upcoming weeks. Is the risk of my life worth another pregnancy if one of us doesn't get fixed? (no pregnancy for 7+ years after #4 so S(#7) really was a God thing) Does blessing outweigh risk? Oh the questions. Still seeking the answers.
And in case you are still reading. We are having another girl! Four boys. Four girls. Life may be unpredictable, filled with questions, filled with loss and everyone desperately in need of a Saviour, but for now we will rejoice at the new life being created and celebrate every day that I carry her.
Words seem so inadequate. Too temporary. Too trite. But they are all I have.
There have been so many tragedies in the lives of people we know in the last few months. So, so, so many. Heart wrenching losses abound.
A sweet friend lost her husband and son.
Another visibly pregnant friend lost the child she carried.
Other friends have shared their excitement of pregnancy to only then have a miscarriage.
Friends learning to live with life altering medical diagnosis.
Friends dealing with the death of extended family members.
Marriages ended.
My friends lives are forever changed. I am forever changed. Life is so temporary. Finite. Precious.
The world seems to magnify the upheaval that I see around me. War. Hate. Violence abound. Needless pain and suffering is inflicted onto innocent parties so that an agenda can be promoted. Lifes destroyed.
It is because of all the loss around me that I find it extremely difficult to rejoice in good news. To not dread the other shoe falling, I know that the shoe is going to fall. It always does. Easy is not something that Mr. Incredible and I do. No easy button exists in our household.
In light of all the tragedy, it is hard to share any 'good' news. It is hard not to expect the worst, (is the shoe falling yet?) but...
WE ARE PREGNANT!!! (20 weeks today)
A few people know, but now the whole world can. The comments have already begun. 'Trying for your own TV show?' 'Do you know what causes that?' 'Hmm.' And I respond with no, yes and have a good day!
Several that we have shared with have been truly excited for us. Like scream in your ear from glee excited. Mr. Incredible and I do not exactly share in their excitement. Remember the shoe?. I won't repeat the first words out of his mouth when I told him we were expecting. However, it did have to do with feces. Maybe it's because we have been changing diapers for 15 years or maybe because our plate feels so awfully full already. At least he didn't question the paternity this time. (yes he has before, without cause, but yeah... still happened. Love you babe, but ya did and now the truth is out. However, if you do the same thing for seven years and then boom your wife is pregnant, you might question too! :)) Maybe our almost non-existant excitement is because from the OB I have heard,
'What is he thinking? Does HE NOT KNOW YOU COULD DIE?'
We weren't trying to get pregnant. We really weren't. Really. I was again thinking hysterectomy (knew this could happen during the 2nd c-section) since S was finally walking and the 10 lb. lift limit wouldn't be as much of a challenge with her mobile on her own. Apparently, I just like my husband and he likes me. As a dear OB friend said, "It's biology." Or as the perinatologist said, "My wife and I have the same problem. It's like the pa$$ion just burns the c0nd0m right off!" (edited the words so hopefully I don't draw obscene viewers)
So here we are again with a high risk pregnancy-
1. classic c-section with #4- increased risk of uterine rupture
2. pre-term labor with every pregnancy so far, abruption with #4
3. MTHFR find out what it is here, reason for preterm labor and abruption
4. anticardiolipin, another reason for preterm labor and abruption
5. AMA, amazingly magnamiously awesomeness (or otherwise known as advanced maternal age)
6. have had two c-sections at this point
Probably more than you wanted to know, but I am tired of explaining why a otherwise healthy (though overweight, you know you were thinking it ;)) looking woman has a high risk pregnancy when blood pressure isn't the issue. So now you know. If you know of someone that keeps experiencing miscarriages or pre-term labor, MTHFR or anticardiolipin might be involved. With daily pharmaceutical therapy I carried S to 34 weeks 2 days. My goal is to do at least that again.
In addition to our mind still reeling from being pregnant again, I am getting major pressure from the OB that one or both of us needs to get 'fixed'. I really didn't think Mr. Incredible or I were broken! (just kidding, we know what she's talking about) I am really struggling with this decision. Mr. Incredible is so swamped with work that he has little time to think about anything else, let alone making a decision about fertility. It's one thing to not pursue getting pregnant and another to say, "God, we are done. Don't care that children are a blessing. We are done being blessed." (I know I was thinking about a hysterectomy. But that was not for birth control issues) The perinatologist doesn't come across like the OB that we are broken in need of fixing and they are the risk specialist.... Birth control is a touchy subject for many and I am not trying to throw stones at any decisions anyone has made. These are just the thoughts that run through my mind and the decisions we face in the upcoming weeks. Is the risk of my life worth another pregnancy if one of us doesn't get fixed? (no pregnancy for 7+ years after #4 so S(#7) really was a God thing) Does blessing outweigh risk? Oh the questions. Still seeking the answers.
And in case you are still reading. We are having another girl! Four boys. Four girls. Life may be unpredictable, filled with questions, filled with loss and everyone desperately in need of a Saviour, but for now we will rejoice at the new life being created and celebrate every day that I carry her.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Friends?
Adrift. Alone in a sea of humanity. About 40 months ago my world began rocking and as the following 18 months happened things that I believed all my life were questioned. Friends turned their back on me. I was the subject of contempt. I was criticized for telling the truth. Unfairly judged. Called a gossip. The friendships my children had with other children suffered. All of this happened at the hand of people who called themselves friends. Who called themselves Christian. ...I still hesitate to call myself a Christian. I don't want people to associate me with them. All of this led to us finally leaving our church that we had called home for almost 12 years earlier this year. It has also led me on a wonderful path of love and acceptance. Because, face it, EVERYONE wants to be accepted and loved. Period. We all long to be a part of something, even the introverts. My circle of friends and acquaintances is so much broader now. Life though different, is better now.
It may seem that for the last year I had nothing to say because there wasn't anything posted here and so little before that, ah contrare! It was because of all the stink (above) that I have been absent and silent and keeping to the old adage, 'If you don't have something nice to say, say nothing at all.' I had so much to say, but no time in which to sit down and write or was just too hurt to say what's done is done and move on. But I can say that now. I can't change the past. I can't make people like me. I can't control how people will react. I can give love, friendship, honor, respect and see the best in people and choose how I will respond to them. I can respect that we disagree and still value and keep the friendship. There have been many sleepless nights over the last few years. Could've. Should've. Why me? Make it go away. Analyzing my motives. My reactions. And I am done. Not being rejected week after week every Sunday has helped to contribute to the healing. I have new friends, better friends, nicer friends, real friends. Seeing that there are Christians that actually do care and want right relationships is such a nice reprieve. And those who were so unkind to me? It's not my problem... it's theirs... and I will still love them anyway, as I have all along.
Though I have new friends, part of me wants my old friends back. My old life back. But apparently they weren't really my friends. So why would I want that back? Because it's known. Known is easy. Unknown is hard. However, my life now is AWEsome. So awesome. I mean really awesome! So much more so than three years ago, two years ago. Open doors. New opportunities. Lovin' livin' it.
But today because of all 'the stink' and I am feeling anxious. All the past rejection is resurfacing. I am once again feeling like I am on shaky ground because I found out last night that some dear friends didn't share their good news with us. I understand why. But part of me really wants to pull away first so that I can reject them since maybe they might reject me. Totally insane. I know. But after all the hurt of the last few years it's hard. Very. Hard. These dear friends came into our lives after all the stink, and it's a couple!!! (18 years of waiting for another couple friend!), we 'click' with them, they like our kids and understand/respect that not all are typical, our kids like each other, they don't mind that we are GF, we get together 2-4 times a month, the guys will hang, the girls will veg... I mean these are FRIENDS! And they didn't tell us something... and we are supposed to get together this afternoon.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have these human feelings. But I do. And they are okay. The visit this afternoon will be good and we will be able to finally rejoice with them. I will remember we are all human. We all want to be loved and accepted. I will love them. Accept them. Congratulate them. And be happy. And if someday they do reject me... well... I can still choose to love. It's up to me. It's up to you.
It may seem that for the last year I had nothing to say because there wasn't anything posted here and so little before that, ah contrare! It was because of all the stink (above) that I have been absent and silent and keeping to the old adage, 'If you don't have something nice to say, say nothing at all.' I had so much to say, but no time in which to sit down and write or was just too hurt to say what's done is done and move on. But I can say that now. I can't change the past. I can't make people like me. I can't control how people will react. I can give love, friendship, honor, respect and see the best in people and choose how I will respond to them. I can respect that we disagree and still value and keep the friendship. There have been many sleepless nights over the last few years. Could've. Should've. Why me? Make it go away. Analyzing my motives. My reactions. And I am done. Not being rejected week after week every Sunday has helped to contribute to the healing. I have new friends, better friends, nicer friends, real friends. Seeing that there are Christians that actually do care and want right relationships is such a nice reprieve. And those who were so unkind to me? It's not my problem... it's theirs... and I will still love them anyway, as I have all along.
Though I have new friends, part of me wants my old friends back. My old life back. But apparently they weren't really my friends. So why would I want that back? Because it's known. Known is easy. Unknown is hard. However, my life now is AWEsome. So awesome. I mean really awesome! So much more so than three years ago, two years ago. Open doors. New opportunities. Lovin' livin' it.
But today because of all 'the stink' and I am feeling anxious. All the past rejection is resurfacing. I am once again feeling like I am on shaky ground because I found out last night that some dear friends didn't share their good news with us. I understand why. But part of me really wants to pull away first so that I can reject them since maybe they might reject me. Totally insane. I know. But after all the hurt of the last few years it's hard. Very. Hard. These dear friends came into our lives after all the stink, and it's a couple!!! (18 years of waiting for another couple friend!), we 'click' with them, they like our kids and understand/respect that not all are typical, our kids like each other, they don't mind that we are GF, we get together 2-4 times a month, the guys will hang, the girls will veg... I mean these are FRIENDS! And they didn't tell us something... and we are supposed to get together this afternoon.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have these human feelings. But I do. And they are okay. The visit this afternoon will be good and we will be able to finally rejoice with them. I will remember we are all human. We all want to be loved and accepted. I will love them. Accept them. Congratulate them. And be happy. And if someday they do reject me... well... I can still choose to love. It's up to me. It's up to you.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Shoulding Myself
It's really easy to should myself. Especially as I sit here at 4 in the afternoon still in my pj's...
Today, this week, the past almost month and a half have been so hard emotionally with all the physical sickness of the kids, my physical limitations and my continuing recovery from the c-section that I started shoulding myself. I know I shouldn't, but I did.
I should not be so stinking tired.
I should have the house clean.
I should be functioning better on interrupted sleep.
I should be better organized and my to get rid of pile should actually be gotten rid of.
The laundry should be done and I shouldn't have to rewash the last load of the day before EVERY stinking day!
I should already be getting dinner made tonight.
I should home school better.
I should know what the school schedule for next year will be or at least know what curricula we are going to use.
As I said, I started shoulding myself.
It's not that I am not counting my blessings. It's just that my 'blessings' are blessing me so much...
And today as I have the sniffles and sit on the couch in my pj's my dad is... wait for it... yep, taking a sick kid to the doctor. Really?! Come one! Just because we met our out of pocket in March DOES NOT mean we live at the doctor's or that I want to. (However, if you know of a doctor who does house calls, give them my number, I think I can keep them in business with our family alone at this point.) We've fought it for three days at home and even though he was on antibiotics for two of those days finishing up the round for strep throat, Z has an ear infection. Seriously.
I am thankful that we have access to medical care.
I am thankful that we have access to pharmacueticals.
I am thankful that we can afford the insurance, doctor visits and prescriptions.
But I am NOT thankful to keep having sick kids. (T is doing his bronchial thing too boot)
So though I should be dressed and dinner should be making, it's just not happening today. And you know what, we should survive and everything should be just fine. Eventually.
Today, this week, the past almost month and a half have been so hard emotionally with all the physical sickness of the kids, my physical limitations and my continuing recovery from the c-section that I started shoulding myself. I know I shouldn't, but I did.
I should not be so stinking tired.
I should have the house clean.
I should be functioning better on interrupted sleep.
I should be better organized and my to get rid of pile should actually be gotten rid of.
The laundry should be done and I shouldn't have to rewash the last load of the day before EVERY stinking day!
I should already be getting dinner made tonight.
I should home school better.
I should know what the school schedule for next year will be or at least know what curricula we are going to use.
As I said, I started shoulding myself.
It's not that I am not counting my blessings. It's just that my 'blessings' are blessing me so much...
And today as I have the sniffles and sit on the couch in my pj's my dad is... wait for it... yep, taking a sick kid to the doctor. Really?! Come one! Just because we met our out of pocket in March DOES NOT mean we live at the doctor's or that I want to. (However, if you know of a doctor who does house calls, give them my number, I think I can keep them in business with our family alone at this point.) We've fought it for three days at home and even though he was on antibiotics for two of those days finishing up the round for strep throat, Z has an ear infection. Seriously.
I am thankful that we have access to medical care.
I am thankful that we have access to pharmacueticals.
I am thankful that we can afford the insurance, doctor visits and prescriptions.
But I am NOT thankful to keep having sick kids. (T is doing his bronchial thing too boot)
So though I should be dressed and dinner should be making, it's just not happening today. And you know what, we should survive and everything should be just fine. Eventually.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
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Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Sometimes It's Just Laughable
This morning started at some hour of darkness. I finally registered the time about 6am and reluctantly pulled myself out of bed at 6:54. See today is a busy day. Definitely not unusual around here, however today is just a little more stuffed and having a newborn probably makes it seem more so. Concurrent appointments in separate towns for different kids (so glad my dad could take M to his). Two stacked appointments at the pediatrician's. Two testing times for M today. Newborn pics... get the idea?!
On top of the hecticness, I wake up today with my left eye feeling funny. Apparently there is a pocket of fluid on my eyeball! Weird! At least it is not on my iris pupil area and my optomitrist will see my tomorrow. But, come ON! Wasn't there enough going on already.
So S did great with her two week check up. She's gained 10 ounces in 7 days!!! I don't feel so bad that I didn't keep following the pediatrician's advice to continue pumping and add fortifier to the milk. As Mr. Incrdible says, S is a 'real baby' now.
E's 'sick' visit to try to determine the underlying reason for all her illnesses has landed us on topical and oral antibiotics (was really hoping to avoid more of them), we are being referred to an immunologist, and we have a stool sample collection kit (eewww!). She was diagnosed with a couple things today (hence the antibiotics) and we are testing for more to try to find the underlying reason for all her illnesses.
And lastly I am NOT following my OB nurse's advice to take ibuprofen an hour before I take my Lovenox injection (blood thinner). (We'll see if I keel over dead today.) I called expressing concern about an increase in my post partum bleeding and clotting. Their response- take something else to thin my blood and they can run labs for anemia (of course my OB is on her two week cruise! and this is another doc consulting). Well weeks before delivery I was borderline anemic and started iron. After delivery my hemoglobin was low and they just wanted me to continue taking iron instead of getting a transfusion. And now two weeks later I express concern over pp bleeding/clotting and the solution is to take more of my blood!!?! Sorry, I am hanging on to whatever I can and I am not going to thin it anymore than it already is.
On top of the hecticness, I wake up today with my left eye feeling funny. Apparently there is a pocket of fluid on my eyeball! Weird! At least it is not on my iris pupil area and my optomitrist will see my tomorrow. But, come ON! Wasn't there enough going on already.
So S did great with her two week check up. She's gained 10 ounces in 7 days!!! I don't feel so bad that I didn't keep following the pediatrician's advice to continue pumping and add fortifier to the milk. As Mr. Incrdible says, S is a 'real baby' now.
E's 'sick' visit to try to determine the underlying reason for all her illnesses has landed us on topical and oral antibiotics (was really hoping to avoid more of them), we are being referred to an immunologist, and we have a stool sample collection kit (eewww!). She was diagnosed with a couple things today (hence the antibiotics) and we are testing for more to try to find the underlying reason for all her illnesses.
And lastly I am NOT following my OB nurse's advice to take ibuprofen an hour before I take my Lovenox injection (blood thinner). (We'll see if I keel over dead today.) I called expressing concern about an increase in my post partum bleeding and clotting. Their response- take something else to thin my blood and they can run labs for anemia (of course my OB is on her two week cruise! and this is another doc consulting). Well weeks before delivery I was borderline anemic and started iron. After delivery my hemoglobin was low and they just wanted me to continue taking iron instead of getting a transfusion. And now two weeks later I express concern over pp bleeding/clotting and the solution is to take more of my blood!!?! Sorry, I am hanging on to whatever I can and I am not going to thin it anymore than it already is.
It is days like today that remind me to not take life too seriously, not to think that I can't handle something else (because something else will always pop up), and to enjoy what God has blessed me with. Troubles come, occassionally aplenty, and on days like today I just have to laugh! :-)
Thursday, May 9, 2013
News About Our Newest Addition
To celebrate our daughter's impending arrival, I came up with this little diddy.
http://youtu.be/o6AIWlYRhiI
Selah Marie Hope was born at 12:49pm weighing in at 5lbs 2oz and 18 inches long, not bad for 34 weeks 2 days gestational age.
I was able to kangaroo hold her about 11 hours after her birth-awesome!!! I am doing well and last I knew she was on room air with no support from the nasal cannula. We might get to attempt a feed this am.
http://youtu.be/o6AIWlYRhiI
Selah Marie Hope was born at 12:49pm weighing in at 5lbs 2oz and 18 inches long, not bad for 34 weeks 2 days gestational age.
I was able to kangaroo hold her about 11 hours after her birth-awesome!!! I am doing well and last I knew she was on room air with no support from the nasal cannula. We might get to attempt a feed this am.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Bed Rest At Home
Well, I made it home, but I am on bed rest and uh, I almost wish I wasn't home...
There I said it. A home with six kids in it is not restful. I somehow keep finding a way to hack off Mr. Incredible. The house is a wreck. I have to set alarms to take meds every four hours, and remember my morning meds and my night meds (both involving an injection now) as well. There is no reclining bed. The bathroom is further away. And the house (and my room) really are a pig sty.
When we found out we were expecting and I didn't have a miscarraige, the reality of our limited accomodations for baby hit me hard. We had already talked about some home remodel, but even though we have tried to pursue this, it still hasn't happened yet. The only 'unoccupied' room left in the house is the study off the living/dining room. At the time it was full of books, three book shelves, craft stuff, a desk and a piano, but at least not a person. Well the piano now resides in the living room, we had to get rid of the love seat to fit it, so our seating is now one sofa, the piano bench and dining room chairs. The desk is in the big boys room. The bookshelves came to my room and now comprise a 'fake' wall. They are of course laden with books. The craft stuff is in my room with a little of it in my closet (but since we downsized from a huge walk in hall closet at our old house my closet was already filled with items from our former hall closet) leaving little room for the craft stuff that wasn't already in it. So though the baby's room is neat, my room has piles of craft items, books and other homeless items that desparately need to find homes so that the cradle will fit in here. Though I worked on it one day, my time was limited and my progress unimpressive against the enormity of the task.
And am I able to remedy any of this?! Nope. My uterus does seem to be less irritable with being home, but I still do have the occassional bigger contraction reminding me that it's only bed or bath, no beyond. Even sitting outside yesterday with my feet propped raised Mr. Incredible's eyebrows and ire. Of course he knows I will push myself, but I really wasn't. And cutting Mr. T's hair while reclining outside really wasn't pushing my limits. And the fact that I was sitting supervising the spot removal on the carpet in the living room really was benign. Now I understand some irritation when I started aiding with the spot removal, but come on- I was sitting! Yes, now you know my transgressions. Without standing or exerting hardly anything I cut one child's hair and scrubbed a few spots. (all might I add without contractions) But my room cannot be cleaned while sitting and there in lies my irritation. This is just going to have to be another one of those things that I have to let go. Grrr. Sometimes I really do hate letting go.
I did get to enjoy Z-man's birthday with him and for that I will rejoice and set aside my frustration with my circumstances. He hugged me several times yesterday and said how glad he was that I was home for his birthday. Priceless. And hopefully me passing out for part of movie we rented for his birthday because of my 8 o'clock meds will just further endear me to him.
So here I am. At home. On bed rest. Surrounded by chaos. Waiting for what the doctor will say in the morning.
Note: Lollipop did break her arm Thursday night. It is now in a long arm cast. She went 15 weeks 3 days between breaks this time.
There I said it. A home with six kids in it is not restful. I somehow keep finding a way to hack off Mr. Incredible. The house is a wreck. I have to set alarms to take meds every four hours, and remember my morning meds and my night meds (both involving an injection now) as well. There is no reclining bed. The bathroom is further away. And the house (and my room) really are a pig sty.
When we found out we were expecting and I didn't have a miscarraige, the reality of our limited accomodations for baby hit me hard. We had already talked about some home remodel, but even though we have tried to pursue this, it still hasn't happened yet. The only 'unoccupied' room left in the house is the study off the living/dining room. At the time it was full of books, three book shelves, craft stuff, a desk and a piano, but at least not a person. Well the piano now resides in the living room, we had to get rid of the love seat to fit it, so our seating is now one sofa, the piano bench and dining room chairs. The desk is in the big boys room. The bookshelves came to my room and now comprise a 'fake' wall. They are of course laden with books. The craft stuff is in my room with a little of it in my closet (but since we downsized from a huge walk in hall closet at our old house my closet was already filled with items from our former hall closet) leaving little room for the craft stuff that wasn't already in it. So though the baby's room is neat, my room has piles of craft items, books and other homeless items that desparately need to find homes so that the cradle will fit in here. Though I worked on it one day, my time was limited and my progress unimpressive against the enormity of the task.
And am I able to remedy any of this?! Nope. My uterus does seem to be less irritable with being home, but I still do have the occassional bigger contraction reminding me that it's only bed or bath, no beyond. Even sitting outside yesterday with my feet propped raised Mr. Incredible's eyebrows and ire. Of course he knows I will push myself, but I really wasn't. And cutting Mr. T's hair while reclining outside really wasn't pushing my limits. And the fact that I was sitting supervising the spot removal on the carpet in the living room really was benign. Now I understand some irritation when I started aiding with the spot removal, but come on- I was sitting! Yes, now you know my transgressions. Without standing or exerting hardly anything I cut one child's hair and scrubbed a few spots. (all might I add without contractions) But my room cannot be cleaned while sitting and there in lies my irritation. This is just going to have to be another one of those things that I have to let go. Grrr. Sometimes I really do hate letting go.
I did get to enjoy Z-man's birthday with him and for that I will rejoice and set aside my frustration with my circumstances. He hugged me several times yesterday and said how glad he was that I was home for his birthday. Priceless. And hopefully me passing out for part of movie we rented for his birthday because of my 8 o'clock meds will just further endear me to him.
So here I am. At home. On bed rest. Surrounded by chaos. Waiting for what the doctor will say in the morning.
Note: Lollipop did break her arm Thursday night. It is now in a long arm cast. She went 15 weeks 3 days between breaks this time.
Friday, May 3, 2013
The 'What If' Minefield
My devotional today was a reminder that I cannot serve two masters. I usually think of God and Money when I think of serving two masters because of Matthew 6:24. But it is just as easy to substitute Schedules, Activities, Me Time or for me, 'What If's', for Money instead.
This week has not been the week that I planned, though I'm not sure that I remember a week that ever was. However, as I lay in a hospital bed trying to stay pregnant for a few more days it is hard to deal with life passing me by. And it is doing that. I am not the one tucking my children into their beds, wiping their noses or encouraging their creativity. I was not at Lollipop's infusion yesterday, though she visited me since we were in the same hospital. I am the last one to find out that Lollipop hurt her arm last night and they are going to try to get into the orthopedic doc for x-rays this morning.
There is NOTHING that I can do to help my husband or parents. This does not bode well with me. I don't want to be a further drain on Mr. Incredible. I don't want my parents going to early graves because they were taking care of six children when they shouldn't have been. My mind reels with 'What If's'. If the doctor hadn't checked me on Monday, would I have ended up in the hospital with contractions on Tuesday? If I had been home could I have prevented Lollipop from hurting her arm? What if Little Mama is really sick?
And that's just this morning!
What If's can consume my thoughts and it's not just because I now have time to think. I have to think of eventualities, think through circumstances in order to help our family navigate (especially M&M and Lollipop) through them, BUT by doing this am I placing my trust in me?
I am the only one who can bake this precious baby longer. Am I willing to let others come along side and help? Am I willing to not be superwoman? Can I lay down the 'What If's' and trust God?
Wednesday morning I was awakened with contractions. They had stopped, but suddenly they were back and I could only think of the 'What If's'. I knew I needed to relax, but it is difficult to relax when you know you are facing a c-section, baby spending days in the hospital and all because your stupid body wouldn't cooperate. I woke Mr. Incredible and asked him to start reading from the Bible. Instead of focusing on all that was going wrong, I sought refuge in the promises of His Word. I found solace, peace and patience in the words of the Psalms.
I may not know why I ended up on bed rest at 33 weeks, but at least it wasn't earlier. I may not be the one tucking in, wiping or carting to get an x-ray, but God has graciously provided someone that can and I need to trust in Him and rest in His promises. So I will sit, lay, wait and bake baby and praise Him for the opportunity to do so.
The 'What If's' are always going to be there, but how I chose to handle them and let them affect me shows whether I am serving them or the King.
This week has not been the week that I planned, though I'm not sure that I remember a week that ever was. However, as I lay in a hospital bed trying to stay pregnant for a few more days it is hard to deal with life passing me by. And it is doing that. I am not the one tucking my children into their beds, wiping their noses or encouraging their creativity. I was not at Lollipop's infusion yesterday, though she visited me since we were in the same hospital. I am the last one to find out that Lollipop hurt her arm last night and they are going to try to get into the orthopedic doc for x-rays this morning.
There is NOTHING that I can do to help my husband or parents. This does not bode well with me. I don't want to be a further drain on Mr. Incredible. I don't want my parents going to early graves because they were taking care of six children when they shouldn't have been. My mind reels with 'What If's'. If the doctor hadn't checked me on Monday, would I have ended up in the hospital with contractions on Tuesday? If I had been home could I have prevented Lollipop from hurting her arm? What if Little Mama is really sick?
And that's just this morning!
What If's can consume my thoughts and it's not just because I now have time to think. I have to think of eventualities, think through circumstances in order to help our family navigate (especially M&M and Lollipop) through them, BUT by doing this am I placing my trust in me?
I am the only one who can bake this precious baby longer. Am I willing to let others come along side and help? Am I willing to not be superwoman? Can I lay down the 'What If's' and trust God?
Wednesday morning I was awakened with contractions. They had stopped, but suddenly they were back and I could only think of the 'What If's'. I knew I needed to relax, but it is difficult to relax when you know you are facing a c-section, baby spending days in the hospital and all because your stupid body wouldn't cooperate. I woke Mr. Incredible and asked him to start reading from the Bible. Instead of focusing on all that was going wrong, I sought refuge in the promises of His Word. I found solace, peace and patience in the words of the Psalms.
I may not know why I ended up on bed rest at 33 weeks, but at least it wasn't earlier. I may not be the one tucking in, wiping or carting to get an x-ray, but God has graciously provided someone that can and I need to trust in Him and rest in His promises. So I will sit, lay, wait and bake baby and praise Him for the opportunity to do so.
The 'What If's' are always going to be there, but how I chose to handle them and let them affect me shows whether I am serving them or the King.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Worn
I'm tired, I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes, I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed by the weight of world
and I know that you can give me rest
so I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see Redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise,
from the ashes of a broken life
and all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn
I know I need
to lift my eyes up
but I'm too weak
life just won't let up(!)
and I know that you can give me rest
so I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see Redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise,
from the ashes of a broken life
and all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn
My prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn
Even before the day begins
I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn
So heaven come and flood my eyes
Let me see Redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise,
from the ashes of a broken life
and all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes, all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn
-Worn, Tenth Avenue North (emphasis mine)
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Progress.
Today it was mentioned that we might get discharged tomorrow. Wow. Really?! In order for that to happen, we have goals to meet.
Goals:
1. Remove epidural- done
2. Remove foley
3. Pain managed with oral meds only
4. Elimination on own #1 and #2
It may not seem like lofty goals, but they are a bit out of our reach currently. Lollipop's personal goal is to make it to the playroom today. The epidural is out, her breakfast is down, but we are still waiting on the foley before we go.
Once we are discharged from the hospital, we will still need to stick around for a day or two before we are able to travel.
We are keeping in touch with home via phone and Skype, but it still isn't like being at home. Little Mama was missing sister, mommy and dada pretty bad yesterday. So thankful for my parents and those who are bringing meals. One less thing for my mom and dad to deal with.
The swelling that happened on Tuesday in my legs has dissipated, but I am spending as much time as possible with my feet up. Would appreciate prayers for it not to return and for physical strength as Lolipop is not weight bearing for four weeks, need to clarify if that is four weeks beyond this week or including this week. Having the wheelchair helps, but we don't have a handicap accessible bathroom, so... yeah, need strength. Baby will be viable in about six more weeks. Our goal is May (due in June), but reaching viability will be a load off my mind.
I am so grateful that God is in control and that we are only here because of rodding surgery and not something life threatening. I know that He knows the end from the beginning, has a plan, and I simply have to trust
Goals:
1. Remove epidural- done
2. Remove foley
3. Pain managed with oral meds only
4. Elimination on own #1 and #2
It may not seem like lofty goals, but they are a bit out of our reach currently. Lollipop's personal goal is to make it to the playroom today. The epidural is out, her breakfast is down, but we are still waiting on the foley before we go.
Once we are discharged from the hospital, we will still need to stick around for a day or two before we are able to travel.
We are keeping in touch with home via phone and Skype, but it still isn't like being at home. Little Mama was missing sister, mommy and dada pretty bad yesterday. So thankful for my parents and those who are bringing meals. One less thing for my mom and dad to deal with.
The swelling that happened on Tuesday in my legs has dissipated, but I am spending as much time as possible with my feet up. Would appreciate prayers for it not to return and for physical strength as Lolipop is not weight bearing for four weeks, need to clarify if that is four weeks beyond this week or including this week. Having the wheelchair helps, but we don't have a handicap accessible bathroom, so... yeah, need strength. Baby will be viable in about six more weeks. Our goal is May (due in June), but reaching viability will be a load off my mind.
I am so grateful that God is in control and that we are only here because of rodding surgery and not something life threatening. I know that He knows the end from the beginning, has a plan, and I simply have to trust
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
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Got Sleep!
I never would have thought that two consecutive hours of sleep could be so much! (It's been a while since Mr. T was a baby...) Other than some issues around 1am, Lollipop has slept all night! Now of course I woke up every time someone came in the room, but if she sleeps I can sleep! She is even back asleep after the anesthetologist coming in and chatting at 6:30!!!! Sleep is so restorative, we NEEDED last night.
The med doc said that today (while we still have the epidural) we are going to try to transition to all oral meds. That will put us one step closer to home, but I don't want to take any steps back in her pain management...
We still have not seen the x-rays, but the is the scoop according to the ortho surgeon.
Right Femur- had to break in 1 place to place rod.
Right Fibula- already broken, had to break in additional place and take out bone wedge to place rod.
Left Fibula- had to break in 1 place and take out bone wedge to place rod.
Her leg bones were bowed to such an extent that it was not possible to place any rods without first straightening the bone. So pain management to promote healing is essential. And lots of TLC. And LOTS of prayer.
In other news, Rick saw the grandparents of the family we first saw on Monday. (The 5 yr. old boy with the brain tumor that they discovered on Sunday.) The little boy is doing well. The surgeon thought he removed 50% of the tumor, but an MRI on Tuesday showed that 90% was removed with what remained shrinking in the hours since the surgery. The tumor was at the base of his brain, pushing on his brain stem. That is why a biopsy was impossible and they went from having an MRI and biopsy to MRI and surgery on Monday. Please continue to lift up the little boy and his family. He has an older sister and mom and dad are mom and boyfriend and dad and girlfriend with an overwhelming number of granparents and accessory relatives. Divorce (or maybe just not marriage) seems to run in the family. Still don't know his name, but with all the family drama and the boys situation... God knows it and that's what matters.
Please keep us in your prayers. We have many hurdles to cross before we can go home and then she will be non-weight bearing for four weeks. I am feeling okay, but yesterday noticed some swelling...keeping an eye on that.
Well the pain dance begins! Gotta go!!!!
The med doc said that today (while we still have the epidural) we are going to try to transition to all oral meds. That will put us one step closer to home, but I don't want to take any steps back in her pain management...
We still have not seen the x-rays, but the is the scoop according to the ortho surgeon.
Right Femur- had to break in 1 place to place rod.
Right Fibula- already broken, had to break in additional place and take out bone wedge to place rod.
Left Fibula- had to break in 1 place and take out bone wedge to place rod.
Her leg bones were bowed to such an extent that it was not possible to place any rods without first straightening the bone. So pain management to promote healing is essential. And lots of TLC. And LOTS of prayer.
In other news, Rick saw the grandparents of the family we first saw on Monday. (The 5 yr. old boy with the brain tumor that they discovered on Sunday.) The little boy is doing well. The surgeon thought he removed 50% of the tumor, but an MRI on Tuesday showed that 90% was removed with what remained shrinking in the hours since the surgery. The tumor was at the base of his brain, pushing on his brain stem. That is why a biopsy was impossible and they went from having an MRI and biopsy to MRI and surgery on Monday. Please continue to lift up the little boy and his family. He has an older sister and mom and dad are mom and boyfriend and dad and girlfriend with an overwhelming number of granparents and accessory relatives. Divorce (or maybe just not marriage) seems to run in the family. Still don't know his name, but with all the family drama and the boys situation... God knows it and that's what matters.
Please keep us in your prayers. We have many hurdles to cross before we can go home and then she will be non-weight bearing for four weeks. I am feeling okay, but yesterday noticed some swelling...keeping an eye on that.
Well the pain dance begins! Gotta go!!!!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
Sleeping Beauty
She is resting comfortably. Have been in the room about an hour. Vitals are now going to be every 30 minutes instead of 15.
We are so thankful for the knowledgable and kind doctors and staff here. What a blessing!
Goodnight!
Headed to Recovery Soon
Lollipop did great and she will be headed to recovery shortly.
Three rods placed, epidural is in place and looks to be working. Next 48 hours it sounds like she will have the epidural to help control pain.
Thank you for continued prayers.
Three rods placed, epidural is in place and looks to be working. Next 48 hours it sounds like she will have the epidural to help control pain.
Thank you for continued prayers.
Headed onto Left Leg
Just after 4 we met with the surgeon.
They had to break her rt. femur in 1 place and broke her rt. tibia in one more place and took out a wedge of bone.
Though her recovery will be longer with both legs getting rodded, we decided that because of the continued bowing and fibula fx, it would be best to go ahead and also rod her left tibia.
They are planning on placing a catheter for pain medication. Please be in prayer for the anesthesiologist to be guided by God in placing it.
Surgery was only scheduled from 1-4, but her right femur (which had fractured in China) was 'hard as rock' according to Dr. E.
Please be in prayer for a family also here in the waiting room. Their son has been sick for seven weeks-various things. Took him to the ER yesterday and they discovered a brain tumor. He is in surgery now, they had only planned on an MRI and biopsy, to remove as much of the tumor as possible. Because the tumor is at the base of his brain a biopsy was impossible.
They had to break her rt. femur in 1 place and broke her rt. tibia in one more place and took out a wedge of bone.
Though her recovery will be longer with both legs getting rodded, we decided that because of the continued bowing and fibula fx, it would be best to go ahead and also rod her left tibia.
They are planning on placing a catheter for pain medication. Please be in prayer for the anesthesiologist to be guided by God in placing it.
Surgery was only scheduled from 1-4, but her right femur (which had fractured in China) was 'hard as rock' according to Dr. E.
Please be in prayer for a family also here in the waiting room. Their son has been sick for seven weeks-various things. Took him to the ER yesterday and they discovered a brain tumor. He is in surgery now, they had only planned on an MRI and biopsy, to remove as much of the tumor as possible. Because the tumor is at the base of his brain a biopsy was impossible.
Still in Surgery
As of 3:30 it looked like they had begun her second rod. Not sure if they will do three. Depends on how she is, blood loss and docs stamina. They had only scheduled for surgery from 1-4...
They are talking about an epidural for pain management, pray for docs guidance. They know she had a L1 compression fx in November.
Headed to Surgery
Lollipop is very hungry and rather sad about not eating, but we have told her 'see ya later' and she is headed to surgery now.
Hello From Omaha (Nebraska that is)
On Saturday January 5th Lollipop was being a normal kid and decided to jump on the FLOOR of her bedroom (on the rug). The rug did not slip, no one bumped her, and I doubt she even made it off her toes (to her jumping is more like heel lifts), however, the force of even her little jump caused her right tibia to snap. Surgery set up was finalized on Wednesday, Mr. Incredible, myself and Lollipop drove 12.5 hours yesterday (Sunday) with only six stops in our 704 miles AND surgery is TODAY! Her specialist here will be rodding her right tibia, right femur and possibly her left tibia. We won't know more until we check in and they take x-rays.
Soooo.... Not what we had planned (yet again), but so thankful for God's provision, quick doctors, and that her right fibula did not snap as well (we have been fighting fib fractures for months).
I will be updating here with her progress. We expect to be in the hospital 4-5 days with another 1-2 days remaining local for the just in case.
Soooo.... Not what we had planned (yet again), but so thankful for God's provision, quick doctors, and that her right fibula did not snap as well (we have been fighting fib fractures for months).
I will be updating here with her progress. We expect to be in the hospital 4-5 days with another 1-2 days remaining local for the just in case.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Some News...
We could use lots of prayer, to put it delicately, getting pregnant was not something we were seeking... I will be not only seeing an OB, but a perinatologist as well because of my history of preterm labor, the abruption with Mr. T and the resulting 'emergency' C-section. There will be weekly injections and 'when' I go on bedrest, not 'if'. The goal is to bake baby until June, with April - June being a somewhat 'safe' window and more consistent with my history. So life has gotten even more complicated, but we are finding joy. This may not have been our plan, but I would much rather be in God's plan than my own, because that is where true happiness can be found.
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